The Camp Vamp: Katrina Fox

Commentary on GLBTIQ issues, social justice and some of life's quirks.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Fashion statements

How you dress says a lot about you, and of course can vary from day to day, where you're going and what image you want to project at a particular time and place. A Gucci suit proclaims 'power dyke' or 'rich poof'. Items of clothing with designer labels on the outside screams 'I'm so insecure, I need validation of my identity by a fashion house that only shallow people find trendy and cool'.

Jeans, plain T-shirt and sneakers signifies to the world that you're in the mood for comfort over aesthetic; and 'office wear' makes the statement that you don't want to stick out, that you have made the decision that during working hours you want to blend in and are prepared to wear the 'uniform' for that purpose.

By contrast, if you want attention, then popping on sparkly, skimpy things should send the message 'I'm sexy and gorgeous - look at me!' loud and clear. But there is something that tops any other outfit or material in the attention-grabbing stakes.

Now, just for the record, I don't consider myself a fashion guru in the slightest. I don't follow trends, only my own urges, and I'm more inclined to wipe my arse with Vogue magazine than I am to read it. But, during this Saturday's Mardi Gras parade, I had an epiphany, in which I received the most insightful wisdom and now feel qualified to share a few fashion tips. They are only for those of you who are attention-seekers (part or full time).
If your aim, when you venture out in public, is to have the whole world and their aunt take your picture; run up to you asking if their husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, nan, dog etc. can have their photo taken with you; to stand in a line for the toilet and have it resemble the red carpet at the Oscars, with flash after flash from tourists' cameras going off like a fireworks display; and to gain a glimpse into the life of the A-list celebrity, then I can tell you how to do it.

Forget your sequins, glitter, designer labels, fetish wear and so on, and go out and buy ... plastic fruit and vegetables. Lots of it - at least 100 pieces. Visit your local $2 shop and stock up on as many of these faux food items as you can. Make two harnesses from dog leads, then pierce each item of fruit and thread wire through it (you'll get RSI, but who cares?). Design, arrange and attach fruit to top and bottom harness. Plaster face with big make-up and glitter, slip into stilettos to give your figure a lovely line (yes, boys too), and go out to meet your public. You will not be disappointed.

Final fashion tip and this one is for all straight undercover cops infiltrating gay dance parties: We can spot you a mile off. According to my girlfriend, Tracie, not only do you give yourselves away by wandering around the gaff looking bewildered, you also "have terrible hair".


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